My buddy Dano...

That's my name.

Your name is Dan.

Yeah, your not cool enough to be Dano.

Oh?

Dano is gonna be in town for a few days.

Ok, who is Dano?

My pledge brother from Phi Ep.

Phi Ep, that poster academic fraternity where you learned to smoke pot and chase women?

That's the one, those were valuable days. That's when I learned that ignoring women was the only way to wake up with one in your bed.

Dano was really good at that. He was like the guy when he showed up freshmen year at 18, he had already published a how to score with women book.

And this will help me how?

I didn't say this could help you.

But can he throw a Frisbee golf disc?

He turned me on to disc golf, and I showed you guys, so that makes him like your grandfather.

Is that the Russian stripper?

No, it's my mom, she wants to make sure I go to senior citizen day at the movies tomorrow. $3.50 even if your under 40, she swears they don't check.

That's cold hang up on your mom.

I'll call her back.

If that was Petra the stipper you would have answered.

Good guess.

I don't think I can talk to my mom ever again.

What happened now?

My cousins are having sex,

with each other.

Apparently she went over to Aunt Mildreds, and was knocking on the door, but nobody answered, but she could tell people were home so she kept knocking, then eventually JP, my cousin answered the door and my mom said 'is Mildred' home? He said 'no' and then my mom saw Sara, my other cousin come out from another room with a towel around her waist. And my mom knew, by the look in Sara's eyes that they had been having sex.

And I was like how could you tell they were having sex?

'I knew by the look in her eyes Danny, I could tell, she was mocking me with here eyes.'

Oh, the old I just did it with my brother look.

My sister never had that look.

Yeah, your sister had the 'I just did it with my dad' look.

To say something like that, you'd have to wonder about the relationship your mom had with her brother.

Good point.

There he is now!

How come we don't greet like that?

I think it's cause we're adults.

Stu-O, my brother.

Let me introduce you to my good friends Dan and Ira.

Did you say Dan?

Yes, I'm a Dan too.

Dan, that's just not gonna do.

I'm sorry?

I don't think I'll be able to hang out with you.

What's your name friend?

This is Ira, he has great parents.

Ira, now that is a name Dano can hang out with, and you have cool parents, now I respect that Iro.

I can see why you are friends with him Dan.

So Iro, do you like to party down.

Yeah, I guess.

What the fuck kind of answer is that?

'Yeah, I guess?'

I mean do you like to have a good time, do you like to gamble. Do you like to cash a check and go straight to the track? I mean the ponies man! You see those glorious bastards pounding the track and running their 15 pound hearts out, and for what, for what!

Dano is very sensitive when it comes to animals.

What does he do? Is he a Vet or something?

He's a psychologist.

I'm a psychologist. I help people with their problems.

Dano had a practice with Johnny Rads.

Until he ran away with my wife.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that, sorry.

Although you know she wasn't really your wife.

Common law man! And you helped him man.

I didn't help him, I...

I said it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

You were right.

I have a question.

Ok.

Last night this Russian stripper had her titties in my face, and said, that life is really an illusion.

Is that true is life just an illusion?

She was talking about Maya.

Yeah, that's the word she used.

That hot Russian girl talks philosophy when she's riding your dick?

Yeah, sometimes. My stripper friend who's going to college said that life is just an illusion, like a movie, and we shouldn't get worked up about anything, we should just sit back and watch the show.

I've heard that. It's Jnana yoga, the yoga of wisdom.

Life is a movie?

Could be.

My movie sucks.

Now that's the wrong attitude Iro.

You have to meditate. You should come to my class.

Come to the strip club, meditate on Petras ass.

I think his idea is better.

My meditation is cheaper.

Tits and ass are not free. But they'll cure what ills you.

Try both. Can't go wrong.

You sound pretty cool Dan, maybe you can hang out with me and my boy Iro. But you will have to sport a different name.

I can't use my name.

There can only be one Dano.

What if I use Dan, and you use a different name.

That sounds fair.

Ok, just me and Iro.

You ready to go crazy man?

I'm down. But I want to hear how the strip club is gonna set me right.

You walk into a strip club, you see this totally exotic dancer, your starring at this unbelievable fantasy girl, then 6 months later you are on the beach in Cancun.

But even sooner than that, 10 minutes later you are having sex with her.

What do you mean having sex?

I mean she's bouncing up and down on your dick. I call it having sex.

I've been doing the on line dating if I don't have time to go out. When I'm on the phone with a perspective date, one of the first things I tell them is that I'm not looking for something serious, then 7 to 12 weeks later, when the girl asks when are we gonna get serious I remind them that they weren't going to get serious. No harm done.

But I'm gonna take Iro and Stu here for some intense Dano action.

Hello, 1st time?

No, but we just started this week, this is my 3rd class and Alua's second.

OK, glad to have you in my class. Couple more minutes to we start.

Hey, I made it, aren't you excited.

More than you know.

Is it free for me?

First class is free for everybody, so yes.

I'm so special.

Say that again. Go in there and get a spot in the back. Try not to stare too much at the girls.

Yes sir.

Breath is the bridge between the body and the mind. So concentrate on your breath. Breath calm like you were walking down the street, try to stay with the 6 seconds in and 6 seconds out the whole class, and breathe through your nose.

Can you help me in this pose?

You're doing it right.

Touch me.

Just keep stretching.

Now we finish with a simple breathing exercise. Sit on your knees and just exhale through your mouth.

Just relax here on your mat for a few minutes, please don't talk so others can relax. Thank you for coming to class.

Says here that you can have an orgasm without ejaculating.

That is true, you think you could keep your voice down.

Sorry, how is that true?

Just read the article.

Way to fart in class by the way.

That was my best class so far, I really like your voice.

Well thanks for the class hope to see you again.

I'm teaching day after tomorrow night.

I think that girl is a fir trader.

Why do you say that? She was into me.

I thought.

Maybe she's a little Bi, but I think it's obvious she was with that other hedge trimmer.

Do I have to worry about you taking a real one in the ass?

Oh come on, Dan? He's just a nice guy, I was thanking him for the class. Although you are pretty sexy when you are jealous.

That's not funny.

But I do.

How was class?

Pretty good, we had 17, 2 new.

Are you staying for my class?

I finally got my friend Ira to come to class, I think we're gonna go out and do some crimes. I'm gonna jump in the shower.

Make sure your the last one and lock the door while I'm teaching.

Goodbye.

Goodbye Dan, thanks for class.

Stu called. He wants to meet us at Silk Lace.

He knows I don't wanna meet him at his strip club.

Check your message I think he's concerned about something.

It's not even noon, is that place even open?

I think they open around 12 o'clock.

So that class was pretty intense.

The class, yeah, how do you feel?

Pretty worked, but not really tired.

Dude, you have to be kidding me with all the hot girls in there, you should have chicks numbers coming out of you ass.

Oh, that reminds me.

The next class just started, you should see the hotties that come to the noon class.

The strippers class.

That's what Stu would say.

He may be right.

We'll see what his problem is. Let's give him a call when we get outside.

I gotta check something on the computer, sit down and read about internalizing your orgasm again, but keep you voice down.

It says you have to internalize your yang energy by contacting the root chakra, then you can have an extra sensory orgasm.

Ok, lets go.

Wait, I want to read this.

Take it with you. Lets go.

Where are you parked?

I grabbed that girls phone number, and saw what other times she takes class.

The lesbian in the canoe? You stalker.

She isn't a fir trader, and I'm just curious about her.

Dude, her friend didn't even have pierced ears and that is total stalking behavior.

So what?

So what your a stalker or so what they're riding the double dildo?

I'm gonna call her.

Are you allowed to do that, what if she's a lesbian and tells the owner, you could lose your job.

She won't say anything, she likes me.

You wont have the nerve to call anyway, why am I worried about you.

Call Stu.

Thank you, your the best.

No problem, it was my pleasure.

Can I be next?

How does your upper body feel? Do you have any stress?

Just keep doing what your doing.

So... what are you doing here?

What do you mean what am I doing here?

Well do you just come here to massage girls?

Well I mainly come here to interview people.

Interviewing for what?

Well, I just broke up with my girl friend a few weeks ago and I'm interviewing for a new girlfriend, or at least some rebound sex.

Do you have actual interview questions you want to ask me?

Hey what's going on, did you take gay boy's class.

Yes, and it was pretty good, but gay boy likes a gay girl.

She's not gay.

I'm gonna bet him that she's gay, you want in on this Stu?

That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you guys about.

Oh man, is that really the trouble?

What?

Kind of, but I think it will be Ok, I kind of have my mouth full right now, I'll meet up with you guys later. You think we can get a round in this afternoon?

That sounds good to me, Dan doesn't really want to go to Silk Lace.

Ok, cool.

He said he's sucking on titties and has his mouth too full to talk, but he wants to meet for some golf this afternoon.

Sweet, I was gonna do six o'clock class. That will warm me up.

I'm gonna take a nap and then I have to meet my mom. Thanks for class.

Look Charlie, tomorrow is the day, I make no exceptions.

But, but, but... you've met my associate Andre?

Andre and Claude are going to pay you a visit tomorrow and if you don't have what you owe me it's not going to go well for you so deal with it!

I wish I could slam this fucking phone down.

Trish, you said you'd play with us, come sit down.

One more call. If this fucking guy doesn't answer I'm sending you to find him.

Me? I'm playing golf.

No, not you sweetie. Although I may have something for you to take care of later.

That mother fucker.

Andre, I want you to rough up this guy Stu Ruben, not too bad, once in the face, couple times in the stomach, break one tail light.

Ok Misses.

Here is his address, although he may be at that Silk Lace strip club, if they're open this early.

Ok Misses.

Don't spend to long at the strip club.

Actually take your time, tell him we're gonna need to see something or it's gonna get worse every day from now on.

How much does he owe?

Just $5,000, if he gives you $2000 still rough him up, but spare the car.

Yes misses

Hello is this Genie, hi this is Dan from the yoga class. How's it going? Did you like the class? I was just calling to see if you wanted to get together sometime.

Yes?

Is this genie?

Uh huh.

Hey, it's Dan from the yoga studio.

Ok, uhh!

I just wanted to say hi, see how you liked my class.

Oh! It's great, uh, really good yes.

Great, uh, was curious if you wanted to get together sometime.

OK. Ahhh!

Well that's... Hello?

I guess I still got it.

That's him I think.

Ok, last hack.

He's gonna get away.

Ok, Ok, last one.

Hey, Stu, Stu Reuben.

We are associates of the Trish lady, she says you have some money for us.

I don't have any money.

Really? Last I check strip club is not a free service.

There's no cover before 5.

We have instructions to damage, if not money come.

Damage?

Da, Damage. She say's you owe 5K, is alot no?

I don't have that much with me, but I can get you the whole amount.

She say we take 2 grand and not hurt you. Do you have this?

I can get you the whole amount, just follow me to the bank.

Ok, we drive, no extra charge.

You like American kick game small ball?

So you played hackey sack with them after they extorted money from you?

I owed them the money.

Maybe if you taken them to a ball game they would have forgotten about it.

I don't think so, they were just doing their job. But I did give them the stupid games book.

Here comes Dan.

101 stupid games, what are you doing with my book?

I have my own copy.

Sorry I'm late.

No worries.

Stu was relating his recent encounter with gambling enforcers.

How's that?

I just paid off a small debt that Dano kind of got me into.

Plus he gave away his copy of '101 Stupid Games'.

No way, that book is a collectors item.

You can get it on line.

Yeah, but wasn't that one a first edition?

New game, get beaten up by thugs. Please, you have the honors.

That could be a game.

Let me show you how to work this First hole.

Nice one. I think 'pay your debts' is in there.

Is that stupid?

They took the stupid games book? I thought you said you gave them the money.

I did, and the book.

I hope they don't hurt themselves. There are some dangerous games in there. 'Fall to you Death'.

'Finger in the Fan'.

Yeah, they sound like great guys. I'm really worried about them.

You should call the cops.

I settled it it's Ok. It was Dano's fault, but I took care of it.

Oh, here we go.

I'd rather not get into it, suffice to say, it may be a good idea avoiding getting too drunk with the guy. And definitely avoid any gambling suggestions he may have. Apart from that he's a blast.

Well maybe you should have bet Dan about keeping his job.

What do you mean?

Dan has decided to stalk a yoga student.

About that, she was glad that I called her.

You called her? No way.

I told you I would.

She did sound a bit odd though.

Odd, because she really likes girls.

Lesbian aye?

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

She kept going out with guys.

Let me tell you the thing about lesbians. There are 2 completely different kinds of lesbians. Lets say your typical stripper is bi-sexual and they range in all different kinds, there's the kind that experimented a few times, to those that experiment every weekend.

But in the end they will always end up wanting some wood.

In the end? That's promising.

But then you got the lesbian that doesn't want anything to do with any guys extremities. You really have to find out if your dealing with the type A or type B, because the type B, as in bisexual is pretty much the best thing going on, while the type A as in I aint sucking on your dick, is going to be a complete waste of time and you'll end up more confused than when you started.

These are hard and and fast lesbian laws.

Well I hope Genie is the type A.

You mean B.

A, B, whatever, I just want some hot lesbian sex.

Which brings me to lesbian sex.

Now were getting somewhere.

The lesbians, they're humpers.

Nothing wrong with that.

They'll hump you every were, your knee, your shoulder, it's kind of wacky.

Humping is good, I guess.

Well now that you've mentioned humping I'm gonna try her again, really see what her story is. After I sink this par.

So are you saying I should avoid Dano?

No man, he really is the coolest. Just keep your head when he starts in with the drinking, and don't let him borrow money in your name.

How did you let him involve you with bookey anyway?

Some stripper told me about this jockey she new, I mentioned it to Dano when we were drinking and one thing led to another, all of a sudden I owed this dyke five grand. Crazy world.

That reminds me to make sure my Dad is doing Ok with his money.

I thought your folks were retired and everything was fine.

Is true, but he's been having some serious sometimer moments.

Sometimers.

Did he invest in another one of those spray on roofs?

No, nothing like that, he's just getting more incoherent.

Example?

I called him the other day, you know they live in Arizona now.

Yes.

I said next time I'm down there I was gonna go see the Grand Canyon, but I didn't know which rim is the more popular one, there is a North rim and a South rim.

Ok.

He says, 'apparently the best view of the Grand Canyon is from Canada.'

From Canada?

That's what he said, from Canada?

He mixed up Grand Canyon with Niagra Falls.

That's not so bad.

What did I miss?

Talking about Ira's Dad.

That man is a genius. Tell Stu the sage advice he gave me when I was down there with you.

Come on, he's my dad I like to have some respect.

It's funny.

He told me that those that throw rocks shouldn't throw stones.

What? Those that throw rocks shouldn't throw stones?

He was very serious about it.

Those that throw rocks should not throw stones.

The best was when he was trying to to tell me that I should abandon my attempts at being a writer. He drew a comparison with himself and me at my age.

Oh, this one was classic.

If 'A' is greater that 'B', then 'B' is greater than 'C'.

Genius.

So, did you call your lesbian friend?

Yes I did, and she invited me, us to a party.

Tonight!

Really? I can go.

I can't

Why not.

Stripper.

What the fuck are you doing?

We play 'I'm not afraid', is the father of all stupid games.

Ok,

Did you get my money from that construction contractor?

You have to play.

I'll play hit you in the face with this paperweight if you didn't get me my money, how's that for a stupid game?

We got the money he owes.

I guess that's good for one Wii.

Here look this book he gave us.

He gave a book, that's nice.

Let's play a different game.

"Iranian Roulette", six bullets, you can't miss. Interesting.

"Hit the dirt". When you are with your friends and someone yells "Hit the dirt", everyone dives to the ground as fast as possible. Sounds pretty stupid.

"Slap Bob". Whenever you meet anyone named Bob, give them a good slap across their face. Say's it's a nice ice breaker at parties.

Is this for real?

"Go naked"?

Is good one.

"Ask for blue"?

What the fuck?

Here's one we can do. "Sit down fast", can be competitive.

Everybody, everybody, lets sit down, come on sit down.

No stupid, that's 'everybody lets sit down'. You only play that when there's a big crowd like at a concert of something. She wants to play 'sit down fast'.

I do?

Yes, lets play.

Ok, when I say "sit down", we sit down fast ready?

1,2,3 sit down fast.

You ever think that because your parents are bad people, it's messing up your life.

What do you mean. Your mom's not a bad person.

We have a good relationship, but she does some things that are just wrong and I think her negative karma may be washing off on me.

What did she do?

I told you my mom leaves left overs out for the raccoons. After I told her it's wrong.

That is bad, doesn't she know that's illegal.

She says she feels bad for them. She thinks we took their land.

You should come with me to Colorado. This winter, take some time off.

But I don't ski, how can I have fun?

There's alot to do.

What can I do while your skiing all day.

You can go to the bar, you can go cross country skiing, which is not dangerous.

Can I just slide down the mountain?

What do you mean? Is that a joke?

No, I'm serious. You know skis don't have breaks, some people are not comfortable with that, when I'm speeding down the hill I want some brakes.

You can just fall, it's snow, you know it's done on snow?

Don't tell 6'5" people to just fall. When they are speeding down a hill, just falling is not relay an option.

I never thought of about it like that, but I still don't think it's funny.

Well it's a little funny, I like brakes when I'm speeding.

Just go do it, take a lesson, learn how to ski it's not that hard.

You can go on a slay ride, like a nice slay ride, where they take you to a restaurant at night, it's romantic, or mush riding you can meet people, you can meet girls.

Strippers.

Maybe.

Would they have a heated pool at a nice hotel, with a work out room.

Yeah, they have that.

I bet if I had a Lamborgini I could get chicks.

A Lamborgini?

You know what movie that's from, come on.

Oh, Dumb and Da...

Dumb and da, da, dah.

Dumb and Dumberer. That wasn't Aspen, that was Breckinridge.

What do you mean?

I mean that was Breck. We're going to Aspen.

They said they were in Aspen.

I know, but it was shot in Breckenridge, Colorado maybe, but not Aspen.

It doesn't matter it was a movie.

It matters, it wasn't even Colorado.

You just said it was Colorado.

I mean Aspen. It wasn't even Aspen.

You can say that about every movie, 'it was really California, it wasn't whatever'.

He's right.

No, they make alot of movies on location.

What about Star Wars, did they really shoot that in space?

Well that's a fantasy, you know it's not a real place.

It was supposed to be in Aspen.

It was supposed to be, but it wasn't they like tricked you. It was Breck. Dumb and Dumber was supposed to be more real than Star Wars, which one is easier to believe. Which one is more real.

Hard to say.

Yeah.

You guys.

Look, someone just listed a new stupid game. "Lick old man". Usually done on the Japanese subway system. When an old Japanese man is reading the newspaper or asleep on the train, you lick his face, usually elicits an interesting reaction.

That is interesting.

Guess who called me earlier?

Dan from yoga?

How did you know that?

I read ahead in the script.

Oh, well then I don't have to tell you that he wanted to hang out, and I invited him to Rah Rah's party.

No, but now people will know why I'm upset.

Why are you upset?

Because your invited a straight guy to a party that I invited you to, that's not cool.

Am I gay?

Are you?

I think you would know.

Well why are you flirting with this yoga guy?

Oh, come on he's harmless, I'll tell him tonight that I'm with you so just chill out.

Come here.

I guess this is it, 21145 Gentry.

Who's house is it again?

She said Rah Rah.

Great.

I wonder if Genie is here yet.

I just want to see you beaten up by a little Asian chick.

That would be embarrassing, what if she knows kung-fu.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'll be Ok. I know yoga.

It was exactly 275 doses of MDMA that the police found on me. And that number has been following me ever since I moved down here from Santa Cruz.

What do you mean, how can a number like follow you?

Yeah, wouldn't the number have to have alot of zeros' on it?

Zero's?

Yeah, zero's, so it could roll.

Well the number didn't physically follow me. My dorm room was 275 when I left the school, 3/4 into my junior year with a 2.75 GPA. And it was midway through my 27th Phish show that the undercover cops found that many hits of E in the compartment in my dred lock.

It's the people, they're not for real. There's this cartoon by this guy Callahan, he makes these really twisted one frame cartoons like the far side you know? He has this one with a fly holding a sign it says 'will work for shit'.

He has this other one, it's a split screen, on one side it say New York, it's raining, 2 guys with trench coats pass each other on the street and they say 'fuck you' to each other, but in the bubbles they're really thinking 'have a nice day'.

And the other side, like the other screen, it says LA, it's sunny, 2 guys are in Bermuda shorts and they pass each other the street, they say 'have a nice day', but in the bubbles they're really thinking 'fuck you'.

Your boyfriend is here.

Oh yeah?

Hey, you made it.

Yep, thanks for telling me, cool place, oh, this is my friend Ira, he was in the class I taught the other day.

I'm Alua.

This is my girlfriend Alua.

Um, we need some drinks, how are you guys?

Seems like we all need beers, keg is over there.

So, that was my 1st class the other day, pretty cool work out.

Yeah, I dig it, good exercise, good for surfing and the shot putt.

Wow, looks like some people are gonna spin fire.

Cool, have you been to burning man?

Alua and I went last year, it was my 1st time, but she's been going for a while.

Now, when you introduced Alua as your girlfriend, does that mean that she is your girlfriend?

There's no tricking you, that yoga's starting to pay off in the hearing department.

Alua, Genie, who are these 2 strangers?

This is my yoga teacher Dan, and his buddy Ira.

Dan, Ira, Genie and Alua, meet Manson and Shh.

Shh?

They named her Shh so no one can ever scream her name. Shh!

I love yoga, where do you teach?

So, um, how do you get a name like Rah Rah? Where your parents cheerleaders?

Rah is not my real name.

Oh, what's your real name.

Don't tell any body please, but my name is Irving, and it's a long story on how I got to be called Rah Rah.

Royal is on his 4th day?

5th day of silence.

But he's drinking.

He likes to get drunk.

And stoned, but he's not eating or speaking.

And for how long are you going for?

Wow, have you done this before?

This is something you might want to try Genie.

Hey Rah.

Trish, your so intense, who is this stranger?

This is Andrea.

Show them what you can do Andrea.

You mean right here.

Just kidding.

Some interesting guests you have Rah.

As always.

So Trish and Andrea, together you are T and A.

You can say that again, she's not kidding around with those.

And you got it on behind pretty good.

I think I should check on Ira.

Shh, leave them alone.

Or lets try and get their attention from here. Ready?

Wow, it works. Lets get another drink.

Your going to love this new tea.

You know I was never a big fan of tea.

But this is really good.

I that a new sweater?

Mmm... not really.

Oh, because I think I remember wearing that sweater in 7th grade, so it couldn't really be too new could it?

Oh, it's ready.

I can only stay another 5 minutes, I have to go pick up my date.

Where did you meet her?

I haven't met her yet, I found her on J-date.

Well let me give you these coupons.

I already have diner reservations.

No coupon? Your gonna spend money on a girl that you haven't even met.

Ok, let me see the coupon.

I can't take her to subway.

Why not, you don't even know her!

Maybe your right let me see that coupon, but I don't want to be late.

You should take your mother to a fancy dinner, not some schiksa you don't even know.

I told you she was on J-date.

Did you speak to Andy this week?

I want to call your brother but I'm afraid the Nose is going to pick up the phone.

You know she must have had a very difficult childhood growing up with that nose.

You know I'd love to talk about Nancy's nose buy I gotta run.

Use the coupon, use them!

You gonna get bananas tomorrow. If your going to get the bananas get them at Apple farm, at Apple farm all week they are only 45 cents a pound.

Love you mom, gotta go.

So, seriously, are you with Alua?

Yes Dan, we are a couple.

Alua is a bit more of a sergeant than I am. I mean, she can't even think straight.

But we do have a bit of an open relationship.

Meaning?

Meaning, I've been with men, and it's not so bad.

Starting to sound better.

But I'm not really playing for that team right now.

Oh.

But,

Yes?

We might be a good team together.

Picking up girls I mean.

I think I'm a bit drunk for this conversation.

Do you like Wii?

As much as the next guy I guess.

Who's that?

What guy? Him?

No, not LOUREN, I like to pee, wee, whatever just as much as any boy, but I have to sit down now because of Prince Albert.

I mean Wii, the game you play with sticks in front of the television, the Ninetendo game.

Oh, no, I've never played a video game.

Oh you have to come over and play golf with me.

Well I'm up for anything involving sticks.

Ok, ok, 'Sit down fast'.

That was pretty good, I got another one,

'Pretend your Asleep'.

OK, just close your eyes, if you open you eyes you lose. OK? Ready? Go.

I have to tell you something.

Shh is very agreeable. If we all had inaudible names the world would be a much better place.

Rah rah for Rah Rah.

Yeah, good party.

Did you get Shh's phone number.

I go some number, but I'm not entirely convinced Shh would know how to work a phone. And if I called she would have to answer, otherwise they could never be able to call her to the phone. Is this Shhh?

But I thought you said she was a great girl.

I exist, therefore I'm single.

She was just there to party and have a good time, who am I to deny her?

So was I right?

Right about what?

About the women from that all too famous of Greek Isles, Lesbos.

Oh, yes they are, um, fir traders, but we really got along, and she said she was bi, kind of, anyway, she wants to hang out with me and pick up chicks.

Sounds like a plan.

Why do you use that towel when you change sides?

Because I don't want you to see the color of my underwear.

Red and white.

What did you say?

Next is spine twist. Try and internalize any drama that you are experiencing. We are not interested in your drama, just focus on your breath do the best you can.

Now just lay down and relax on your mat.

I'm turning off the lights, imagine your just floating on cool calm lake. Feel the water pulse over your body and melt into the water, relaxing every muscle, the muscles in your face smooth and relaxed, relax your brow, just slip away, close your eyes.

Thank yourself for working hard his afternoon.

Try and stay in the room several minutes, just be quite so others can relax.

Hey, here for the next class?

No, I wanted to see you guys.

We'll have a seat, Ira will be out in a minute.

Steamroller!

Don't you dare. If you do that I'll have you castrated and wear your balls as a necklace.

Dude, you stink.

Well that's how it goes.

Stu, what are you doing here?

Just checking out the chicks.

Oh, good place for it, might want to take the class, then you wouldn't seem like that was really why you were here.

I'm just here also to check out my bros.

Oh, it's Mr. Contractor.

I have a new punishment for those that don't pay me, I make them take this yoga class.

Oh, hey, well, I don't think I'll be taking the class then as I we have concluded our business.

Yes, we got your stupid book and your money.

She is your bookey?

We like to say business banking associate.

That was fantastic. Wunderbah.

Ira, hey, that's pretty good stuff.

All you guys worked hard.

Thanks again.

Maybe I'll wait outside.

What's up anyway.

Oh, Dano is taking off tomorrow and he asked me to find you guys, see if you wanted to go to lunch.

I thought I couldn't hang out with him in public.

He's a bit odd about the name thing.

A bit?

I don't know, that's Dano.

Well meet you, at the Aphrodite in a half hour.

Cool.

We going out looking for chicks tonight?

So I have my 3rd date with this J-date chick tonight.

Congratulations.

I feel something must happen tonight otherwise we could fall into that friends zone.

Oh, that place sucks.

I never let that happen. Sounds like your 3rd date should be more like my 1st date.

You just gotta make your move man, he who hesitates is lost.

Yeah, you don't have any trouble when you go out on dates with the stripper ladies.

This girl is Jewish.

What, no Jewish strippers?

I mean, she is not a stripper, that's all. And not everyone has your game Dano.

What do you mean.

Not everyone has your skill level when it comes to dating women.

What do you mean, just tell them on the phone that your gonna sleep with then on that 1st date, and if they're not into it, just call the next one.

All you gotta do is take their hand,

and put it on your dick.

Hey man, I'm not your fucking date.

Not yet.

Well this Melissa she seems like a nice girl is all.

She must be interested otherwise she wouldn't be going out with you.

That's why I'm taking it a little slow.

Well tonight is my last night and Iro and me are gonna party down big time.

Isn't that right Iro?

As long as I don't have to touch your mister happy.

Let's not put any rules on the evening man, lets just have some fun!

You know that is how I'm starting to feel about Genie.

Dan thinks he has a shot with the lesbian.

Dude, she comes to all my classes, we've been talking alot. I think we have something going on.

Don't let Iro bring you down. Have you put her hand on your dick?

Not directly on it.

Have you kissed her?

No.

How many dates have you been on with her?

We've gone out a few times, but it has always been under the pretext of meeting other girls.

You gotta get that lesbian alone man.

Maybe you should dress more like a girl.

What?

Now that kind of makes sense. If she's into girls, maybe you should try and come off a bit metro.

She says she's bi, so she goes for girls as well as manly men like me.

Yeah man, be a man, not a girl. Just take her drinking, and get her alone somewhere where you can put her hand on your dick!

What about her girlfriend?

I think her girlfriend is now involved with that lesbian bookey chick.

Perfect, she's on the rebound.

Maybe I'll try something tonight, see how the chemistry is.

You guys have time for a round?

I don't.

I don't either, but call me after Iro, it's my last night.

That Dano is something huh?

Something else,

You liked when he make you touch him. I figured you would.

Would have liked to see how good he could throw one of these. Seems like alot of talk if you ask me.

Confidence is important.

So you do have a crush on him.

That's cool.

How am I coming on my yoga poses?

Coming along.

You don't like to talk about work?

No, you can ask me, I don't really consider it work.

I'm getting into it.

That's good to hear, going three times a week?

Aha.

What's it like teaching?

It can get a bit repetitive at times. I can't speak for the other teachers, but just a few times a week is plenty for me, I prefer practicing to teaching.

It looks kind of fun, to teach I mean.

Honestly, when I'm teaching, I'm mostly thinking, 'how am I going to get this hot, half naked girl, stretching right in front of me into bed.'

I could see that.

Pretty hard not to.

I want to help people in the class, and I do. But man, you see some of the girls that get up right in front of me?

I hear you.

Sometimes I think I know what it's like to be a rock star, hot girls right there in front of me, pretty much hanging off every word, doing exactly what I tell them.

But without the money,

Or the sex.

Yes, then the reality sets in, and I go home to my one bedroom, all alone.

Microwave canned pasta and watch internet porn?

I guess.

What about when your taking the class?

I work hard in class, but all around me people are trying to touch their head to their toes, I'm trying to see just a little bit of the girls cleavage in the mirror, sometimes I'll see a girls nipples, it's pretty cool.

Should go visit Stu in the strip club.

I've been there. Kind of doesn't seem right to pay a girl to see her nipples.

You'd rather just be some leering pervert.

Does that make me a pervert? It's the most natural thing in the world. I think they want us to see their nipples.

You still stealing their addresses from the computer?

Not addresses. I've taken a couple of girls numbers over the years, not a fraction of how many I'd like to.

Oh man.

What happened, gotta go stare at half naked girls?

No, I gotta call my mom, I can't put it off any longer.

Let's just sit here for a few minutes. Ok?

Whatever.

Fuck the phone!

Is that the phone?

Of course it is you idiot! God forbid you should get off your ass and answer it.

Do you want me to get it?

Hello!

Hello! Who is it! Who is there!

Ronnie!

Hi.

Danny, oh, you decided to call, what if we were dead?

You know you can call me anytime.

Are you working?

I work, I teach yoga.

When are you going to get a real job? We slaved...

...for years to put you through college and what did you do? Did you become a lawyer, a doctor? No, you went and spent all your money on that yoga cult!

Umm, how is dad?

Well he is on Ceperol, and Pactroninall, I have him on Griaseen plus Triptoflyomen, but you know he never takes his pills. Ronnie, take you pills!

Are you there!?

Yes, yes.

I'm bringing him in on Tuesday to see the Ostriocartiologist, we have to do tests to see if his heart can take the hip surgery that he should have had months ago.

Have you met any Jewish girls?

Umm, I met...

All you date are Shicksa's. They're no good Danny, no good!

Woe. Are you still thinking about having a party for Dad's birthday?

It would be nice if you came, we hardly see you. I hate people, hate them, they're disgusting.

Well, that's how people are I guess.

But bring some of your friends. I want to see who your dating Ok?

I'll try.

Well, That's the whole schemer.

Give dad my love.

Ok, Danny, love you.

Love you too, good bye.

Wow, doesn't look like you enjoyed that.

Sorry you had to witness that.

I don't know what happened to her, she use to be a bit more mellow.

If I recall your mom was never too mellow.

No?

Remember when you had to pick her up one time, right after you got your licence? I was in the car?

Slow down Danny, your getting too close to that light, slow down. Slow down!

Are you Ok, Mrs. Wasserman?

Just shut the fuck up, he's trying to impress you with his fancy driving, he's going to get us all killed.

Fucking asshole.

I'm not going to let you take his car to school anymore.

What school?

Sometimes she forgets that I'm not in school anymore.

Stop your whispering! Your and idiot! Ronnie!

He's not it the car.

Remember that?

Oh yeah.

She never was too mellow.

Well, how do you feel about coming with me to see my dad for his birthday?

I'm afraid I'll have to pass.

If you don't want to go that's cool.

It's not that I don't want to go, it's that I don't want you to go.

Oh, that's fair.

You get to lick every pussy in town and I have to stay home watching episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

It is a good show.

I'm serious.

Ok, your right, go out and have a threesome with your yoga guy.

That's not what we're after, we've just gonna go out, talk to some people, have a good time, and I just thought it would be nice.

I just thought it would be nice if you came with us. That's him, he's outside. You gonna come?

No, that's cool, tell him I say what's up.

Ok, see you later.

Hi.

Hi.

So, Alua isn't coming?

No, I guess she didn't feel comfortable, it's Ok.

You really know a guy who does that?

He's been doing it for a while, graduated a few years after Stu then got his PHD in psychology from Northwestern, has had a successful practice ever since.

Surprised Stu doesn't know about Dave, he comes to the reunions.

We'll they stress so, he might have some new clients.

I'll give you his number, they should hit him up.

At least they're players and get some action, I have no game.

I'll let you in on a little secret. The key to picking chicks up in a club is.

It's a two step process.

Ok.

Court them, and then ignore them.

Take those two girls over there.

Let's go over there.

Follow my lead.

Oh yeah, those two things, plus alcohol.

We gotta down these, lets get this party started!

So he said what you do with it after is your business, spit or swallow, as long as you take it in your mouth I'm happy.

2 more.

Four more.

We have a little disagreement here, me and my friend Iro.

What percentage of women do you think are bisexual?

Probably about 5 percent.

I think it's higher than that maybe 7 or 8. What do you think?

We're ok so far, these two are definitely not lesbians.

Hey, what do you mean?

Because if they were lesbians, the answer to that question would have been closer to the lesbian answer of 50 percent.

Sure are some hotties in here.

Your telling me.

Now how easy is it for you to tell if a girl, or a guy for that matter is straight or not, or bi or not?

It's pretty easy.

Ok, clue me in, because most any girl I see, I'm thinking they are bi, and any strange guy that talks to me, I'm thinking he is gay.

If your not from California, guys here do come off seeming a bit on the gay side, but we're concerned with girls tonight right?

Every night.

You can tell if a girl is into another girl by watching the expression on their face when they check out other girls.

You see girls are super jealous, and they're always checking out other girls. So if they check you out and have a nasty look on their face, like this.

Then they are a straight bitch, but if they check you out, and lick their lips or make a face like this.

Then they're at least interested in some girl on girl action. Most likely a bitch, but you know what they say, a bitch in the bush beats one in the hand.

Lesbian saying.

Good one.

I never see these expressions on girls faces.

Oh yeah, well, the thing is, and I do feel for guys about this,

Girls eyes are one thousand times faster than boys eyes.

So whenever guys are checking out girls,

Like you just did. Checking me out. The girl always knows.

What? I didn't.

There is no way a guy can hide that, and they don't even know cause they're so slow.

This is why girls are so turned on by guys that don't pay attention to them. The girl is thinking, 'what is wrong with me, how come he's not checking me out?'

It's so hard for a guy to control the way he looks at girls. They always get this blank expression on their face, like the time I first walked into your yoga studio, you did this.

That is kind of embarrassing.

Yeah well, we're still sitting here, so maybe you did something right.

So what percentage of the women in this bar are bi sexual?

Looks like about 75 percent.

So really you think that only 5 to 7 percent of the women here are bisexual? Now is that a statistic that holds through for the rest of the population?

What actually defines a bisexual women? Are you bisexual if you just think about kissing a girl but never have?

No, that's not really bisexual.

So you guys have thought about kissing each other?

No, no.

For two girls who just said no to that, you sure are in a good mood, is this one of those no means yes kind of things?

Man you are sure of yourself.

Experience tells me that I rarely go wrong.

What about you.

I don't think I read into my experience as much as I should, my name is Ira by the way, and this is Dano.

Dano and Ira, you seem to be opposite personalities, how is it you are out together on this busy Friday?

I'll ask the questions.

He can be a little pushy don't you think?

Well, he is a friend of a good friend of mine and we decided to party up for the evening before he heads out of town.

Heading out of town huh? I don't know I like the pushy type.

I'm looking more for the sensitive type.

What do you do Ira?

Those two girls over there, they look like they're here to have a good time.

Where, by the pool table?

Yeah, do you play pool?

Once in a while. I'm not too good but I can handle my stick.

I'll be the judge of that, lets see if we can play with them.

I think some of my friends may be here, lets get a drink, hopefully we'll run into them.

Thanks again for dinner, it was really great.

Glad you enjoyed it, I've wanted to go to that place for a while.

Bartender.

Good evening, what can I get you?

I'll have a tequila sunrise.

Good choice, how about a dirty vodka martini with olives please.

Coming right up.

Have you met many people you enjoy on J-date?

No one that compares with you.

Wow. Very nice. How long have you been on it?

You mean, J-date?

Ah, yes.

Over a year, but I go in and out of periods when I'm inactive as sometimes work gets real busy.

Must be nice to work for yourself.

It has its advantages. No one tells me what to do, but I can never leave the job at the office, kinda always on my mind.

That could be a drag.

That's eleven fifty.

No, I got it.

Please, let me you got everything so far.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we play with you guys?

I'm not the greatest what about you Bren?

I'm Ok.

We'll go easy on you.

I'm Genie, this is my friend Dan.

Hi.

How's it going? I'm Sally.

Brenda.

Now it's all about getting a stick that's fits you correctly, wouldn't you agree Dan?

Well most girls don't have a problem when I'm around, but it pays to inspect your choices.

Here're 2 good ones.

Can I break?

Good idea.

We'll be solids.

So what do you do?

I teach a style of hatha yoga.

Hatha?

Hatha is physical yoga. You know stretching and stuff.

Oh, that's cool. Where do you do that?

Mostly in Orange county but sometimes I work in studios on the West Side.

That's my friend Dan over there playing pool with three girls.

Wow, he's popular.

Looks like two of those girls don't know how to stand at a pool table.

What do you mean?

Well it's a completely different game for girls than it is for guys when it comes to playing pool. Men, we just want to win the game, we're competitive.

Women are just as competitive, but it's not about the game its more about how good their pants look.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, they want their pants to look good when their taking a shot.

What sign are you?

You tell me?

Wild guess, Taurus?

No, no, I'm an Aries, but look at the action on the pool table now.

Why did you think Taurus?

At times you seem preoccupied with appearances, that is kind of a Taurus thing.

Does that mean all the guys in this bar are Taurus.

You don't think people are judged by how they look.

Of course they are, but the better person tries to refrain from judgment just the same.

I was just being honest, perhaps I'm not so much this better person.

That's Ok, I'm willing to work with you.

Isn't that Fehdra Magdalani?

Where? I was is love with her.

That's her.

Who is she with?

She married Billy Heartgrove, I heard they were separated but that was several years ago, man she still looks so good.

I remember when she would pass me in the hall I would try and take a deep long breath of her as she walked by. It was so awesome.

I used to play badminton with her.

What?

Yeah, we were partners in gym.

I think she liked me.

Excuse me.

Hey mom, how's it going? Oh yeah, I just finished it.

It's in my car so I'll bring it by.

The third one, you got it?

Well can I read it because...

Oh, your the best. Ok, I'll grab that and I'll see you later.

If I didn't know how square you were, I'd swear that you were sleeping with your mom.

You think I'm square, that's why... how come I'm sleeping with your mom.

Owe, come on man. Don't need those images.

Imagine though, if Ira had an affair with Mrs. Ruben? That might be just the thing for her Stu.

You may be right, I can't handle her now, I'm so willing to try anything.

So did you put the moves on Genie?

Um, no, but I feel were getting really close.

So, what is your secret? My dad's birthday is coming up and I was thinking about asking Genie.

Asking her what?

Asking her to come meet them. I think they'd be fine with her being a former lesbian and all, I just don't think Genie is ready for their drama.

Awe man, can you say inactive or resting lesbian. When you saw former lesbian, that just sounds so final.

OK, hiatus lesbian, does that still turn you on?

Ummh.

Even if you did get serious with her, I don't think your folks would grill her about her lesbian status, at least not on their first meeting?

I wouldn't put it past them. Do you know how inappropriate my parents are? I told you the first thing my dad said when he say Cafrey when he met her. Cafrey, That girl I was in love with?

At least she's not black.

That is inappropriate.

She left me 3 days after that.

So how is it that your parents are cool, and your not?

You know, you could be nicer.

I don't think that they're that cool, it's more that they just don't get on my nerves like the way your parents, or your mom gets on your nerves.

Ahh, I think if you had my mom you would lose your shit after about 5 minutes also.

It's true, how come your parents aren't insane?

They're even older than mine and Stu's, what the fuck!

When I think about it, every girl I've ever introduced to my parents broke up with me within a week.

That's why I don't introduce anyone to my mom.

You know Dano, your fraternity brother was telling me about this guy in your chapter who prepares guys for the inevitable parent meeting with a girlfriend, future fiancee, whatever.

Come on.

No, I'm serious. He is really a psychologist, but that is part of his practice.

He visits with your parents, and for three hundred dollars he gives a solution for, what did he call it? Parentum

Parentum Intricatus, or embarrassing parents.

Three hundred?

So Stuart tells me that you want to be his financial adviser.

That is correct, but we did go to Hamlin together, although he graduated a few years before me.

But we still are fraternity Brothers.

Oh, I have so many pictures of Stuart when he was a little boy, let me show you.

Maybe we can do that later.

Did I ever tell you what Stuart use to do when I was toilet training him.

That's ok.

Dave, can you have a talk with my mom about what is appropriate conversation when she meets my friends?

Dave, the important thing is that I love it when Stuart comes home with a nice boy from school and they eat milk and cookies together, cause its fun.

Please mom, I'm 38. 38.

Let me just make sure you have the instructions down.

I think I got it.

Never, under any circumstances have a girlfriend encounter my mom until she says 'I love you' period, and she means it.

Those words are very important.

Tell me something about your parents.

Well my dad past away, coming up on 15 years now.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, my mom never remarried.

Why do you think that is?

Hard to say, although she is a bit out of touch sometimes. You could say she is living in the past.